you-

i want you to know, since you’re too dumb to see. there’s this girl out there. she thinks you’re amazing. and trust me, i know. because i’ve done everything in my power to make her see that you’re really not all that special. but for whatever reason…

if i mention your name, she gets this indescribable smile on her face. the more i talk about you, the more she starts to laugh. the lighter the load on her shoulders is. the words you say to her stick with her. she feels sick sometimes. not because of any physical ailment. i can’t explain to you what she is. how you make her. it’s like she’s in this shadow, all her life. somehow you take her hand. somehow you lead her into the light.  and i stand where she was, in the shadows, and i get to watch. what’s it like to change someone’s perspective on life? what’s it like to truly make someone happier than they’ve ever been before? maybe i’ll never know. but it must be strange….. to be sitting on your bed, looking out the window. to know that someone is losing sleep over you. to know that someone is genuinely worried about whether you’re okay or not. to hold a pillow and squeeze the dreams out of it. and pretend it’s you. to hug an inanimate object like it has a heart and a head and can hug back.

don’t hurt her. don’t you dare fucking hurt her. stop making promises. stop thinking you know so much about her. you don’t know shit, and i doubt you ever will. stop getting her hopes up. stop making her smile and laugh and wanting to cry for all the right reasons. just fucking stop. you’re lying. and even if you aren’t, even if you really do love her as much as you say, what good is getting her hopes up going to do? are you still that much of an asshole that you want her to love you rather than not be heartbroken? you’re going to crush her heart like a bug unless you detach from her now. please don’t fucking break her. i don’t want to be a round to see how this ends. it’s unhealthy, even if she’s happy. it’s hurting her. she’s in pain. and if you break her…..she’ll never see the sun again. she’ll never lose that dull sense of pain in her chest. she’ll never let go. and you’ll just feel like an asshole….

you’ll just feel like an asshole when you know….when you know there’s no one hugging a pillow and pretending it’s you. that when someone thinks about you, they don’t smile anymore. they break down and fucking cry. and sure, they’ll lose sleep over you. because they’re hurting so bad they can’t fall asleep. no, crying too much, no, headaches. just pain. that’s what you’re going to do to her. stop trying to make yourself believe she means something to you. and stop letting her believe it. stop letting her think there’s a chance. i know you, and i know there’s no chance.

so for the love of god, just stop. before you shatter her world.

-me

you-

late at night you take the screen out of your window. lean out the frame, breathe cigarette smoke into an atmosphere that doesn’t care for you anymore. you’re like a melancholy rapunzel story. you’re not really even looking for some prince charming to save you… just someone kind enough to save you from yourself. i want to save you. i want to be there to catch you when you fall. i want to be a light in your life. i want to be there for you. but i feel so far away from you on those nights. sometimes we’re worlds apart. other times i could reach out and touch you, run my hand along your cheek. i wish we could have an entire week to ourselves where we almost never leave the bed except to go stargazing. we’d sleep together….no, not fuck. just lie in bed and fall asleep with our fingers and hands and arms and legs intertwined. we’d watch movies and eat food but you’d never be allowed to leave my arms. i desperately want to be the person that saves you and gives you everything. i think a week in bed would help. i think you just need sleep, but the world keeps waking you up with more disappointments each day. 

i’d want to…break the chain. give you an entire week free of disappointment. and on the other side of it…you’d have me, to muddle through the rest of it with. we’d stay together and just be happy together in a world full of misery. you’d no longer smoke cigarettes out your window. you’d smoke them with me, sitting in bed, eating whatever you felt like. no more attempts on your life, either. i wouldn’t say think of me every time you want to try, i’d just ask you to tell me. even if you’re alone, just call me, tell me. if you want to stay alone, i’ll say okay. i’ll ask you “remember all the good times we had? remember that entire week we spent lying in bed? remember our day at the beach? remember that time we went camping? took a trip to europe for no reason at all?” and then i’d beg you. “please don’t let those memories be for nothing. please don’t leave me with only the few that we have. i want to make memories with you forever. i want my last memory of you to be you sitting by my bedside when i die, talking about all the great things we did together. and i don’t want those great things to end….”

i want to be there when you’re crying. when you’re happy. i want to be there for every small and subtle change in facial expression. i want us to take car rides together that last a long time. nothing but you, me, open road and some good music.  i know you’re kind of fucked up. i like that. i love it, really. hey, i’m kind of fucked up, too, after all.

tonight, i’m gonna throw pebbles at your window. it’ll be the start of one of those great stories - the ones you hold on to - the ones you never forget. 

i threw the stones that made the first ripples in the pond. i threw them at her window. i tossed them up there until she came to me, like in a dream. and she floated down from that window and i’ll never remember how. but next thing i knew she was right in front of me, staring into my eyes apprehensively. the way her lips curled into a small and watery smile, like she was about to cry, is something i’ll never forget and can’t possibly begin to explain. like i had woken her from a coma, and she’d been dreaming about something with me the whole time. she looked down at my shoes, up to hers, over to her hand, and she reached out and squeezed my hand with her own. “are you here to rescue me?” she whispered into the thin spring air. i nodded slowly. and that was it.

-me

you-

in time, you’ll come to see that i am a heartbreaker. for all my worldly faults, flaws, cracks and defections, it’s easy for me to make people fall in love. it’s too easy. i don’t know why, i am just a master manipulator without ever meaning to be. people see the sad eyes, the slouching spine, the broken smile and they hear the whispers and they think they’re in love. they think, “i’ve found someone i want to be with forever. i can’t grow tired of them because they’re quiet and reserved and they’re terribly perfect.”

i spew out a little bullshit bit of feelings and they’re just…hooked. without meaning to, it seems like i’m always putting my line out. i’ll get a bite without meaning to and i’ll pull the fish up to the surface. they never put up much of a fight. i don’t know why i try to bring them up. why bother? i watch the flop around weakly, looking at me, trying to change me and trying to make me love them. they’re all trying to make me love them. but i don’t, and i won’t. i unhook them and look down at the weak fish, sitting in my fingers. barely breathing. i let it slip from my fingers, back into the water and it slowly swims away; damaged, but okay. and that’s how it always is. i’ll rest up for the night and come back down to the dock and i won’t know why. i won’t even mean to. i don’t mean to be this metaphorical fisherman, catching people, hurting them and letting them go. i’m sorry. i don’t mean to do this. but apparently hurting people is the only thing i’m good at.

don’t fall for me. please don’t. i don’t want to end up hurting you. i don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

-me

you-

i’ll write these thoughts down now, so i don’t forget them. they’ve been on my mind for days now. all the times i was awake. i can’t sleep. it’s 4 in the morning and here i am. the sleepy moments before every cold dawn. the walks and shivering spine without another soul to stop me from walking for as long as i can. i’ll try to tell you what i’m thinking. i’ll try to speak with clarity. forgive me, i haven’t slept.

i’ve told you one too many times about how things used to be. about how this is “too much like last time.” i realize i’ve lied. it is far from the conditions i was in last time. it is completely different from the way i felt last time. the scariest part about it is that this time, it seems like someone actually gives a shit about me. they apologize for being themselves. they’ll change the subject when i feel uncomfortable. and that i would do the same. the difference is that this time i’m starting off with no self confidence and earning some back. someone asks me to please not hide my face so much. someone tries to cheer me up. someone tries to make me laugh. i have to go outside and have a cigarette beforehand because i get nervous at the thought of you.

and i’m sorry i’m a nervous wreck. i’m sorry it took so long. i want to apologize for the last few days in their entirety. there are two sides to me. one side is my memory. one side is everything that past events have made me into. one side is cold and distant and sick. it is the side that fears everything and loves nothing.  and i’ll tell you, no one - no one - has ever stirred it up and made it so fearful as you have. that’s the shittiest part. no matter how hard i try to stay positive, this fear is crippling. it causes physical pain. i’ve gotten so little sleep… i don’t mind. if staying up will finally help me overcome this stupid protection thing, i will stay awake until i die of exhaustion. i want to break myself. i want to cut off this part of me.i don’t mind the fact that i start to shake while driving because my mind wanders just a little too much. i don’t mind holding the sheets tight at night and aching physically and emotionally. i don’t mind being up at 4:30 in the morning trying to explain myself to a notepad document because you’re not here for me to say these things to. this part of me tells me that this can never end well. this part of me knows, as the rest of me knows, that if this wave crashes, this tree falls, this mountain crumbles….that if you wake up one day and feel differently… i will not survive. i can’t tell you that part. i’ll tell you it would break me for a while. but that’s not really what it would do, is it? no, it would completely destroy me. it’s been 6 years since the last time anything remotely close to this ever happened. and when it fell apart, i lost everything. i tried to kill myself when the shit hit the fan. if it falls through again, i won’t hesitate. i won’t stop. if it ends, i’ll end, just to make it all okay.

the second side of me is the thing that holds me together. it, too, contributes to me just shaking every time i’m left alone with my thoughts. but this side of me must apologize. i’m sorry it took so fucking long. all of it. this side of me resurfaced back when i was in cape cod. back in the summer. it never left. this side of me got me talking to you again, after i tried to ignore you when i realized what was happening. this side of me knew since cape cod. you apologized and tried to change the subject. this side of me is responsible for saying, “no, wait. please don’t go. please, i’ll get this.” i have to tell you that the time it took for me to say it all meant nothing. it doesn’t meant i was thinking it over, trying to figure out if i meant the words i was going to say. shit, like i said, i knew since cape cod. it was these sides of me and their constant fighting. my head and my heart. i’m starting to come to the realization that my heart is winning. and that’s what makes me cry and that’s what makes me go through less than 12 hours of sleep over 3 days and still be smiling by day’s end. this side is responsible for how happy i am, despite the fact that i can’t sleep or eat or agree with my own body. i’m fucking ecstatic. it’s not that i’m jump-for-joy happy, really. it’s a calm happiness that makes me smile at random moments for no reason. i never want it to end. 

i’ve always just said those words to make other people feel better. to make other people happy. for the first time in a long time, i said those words to make myself happy. that’s probably my most important point. if i say nothing else to you about the matter, i at least need to tell you that i’m happy. that i wouldn’t have this any other way. i don’t care about anything else. i’ve had this pattern with people… that i’ll be happy for two or three months and then slowly fade away and hate myself and everything. but i’m not just…always happy with you. and i mean that in the best way possible, i do. because i’m always happy when you’re there and lonely and a bit depressed when you’re not. now, the thought of you is enough to carry me through the day, but i know that if i could have you - if i could just have you completely and fully and never have to leave you, i’d see the end of these dark days as soon as you held my hand and told me that this would be the last time our fingers would have ever been apart.

i’m always unsure about how you really feel. i’m so fearful that you aren’t as into this - as worried as i am. i’m always scared that i’m putting myself out there too much. but in the end

i’d love to be destroyed by you. just, if it’s avoidable, please try not to. i want to stay alive if you’ll have me.

-me

you-

i always wandered outside at night and looked up to the moon

i wondered if there was someone out there i would eventually love that was looking at the moon at the same time as me

now i realize how foolish that was

you’re 16 hours ahead in the time zone…

-me

you-

i put that song you gave me on repeat when i go to bed.

we weren’t much then. and we’re even less than that now. but… but maybe you’re out there somewhere, listening to the same song.

i think about you all the time now. all the things i should have done differently. all the things i should be doing differently now.

the way i handle this.

i’m sorry. i meant no harm. just the best for you. i’ll live with this regret until i cease to breathe. one day we’ll make good on our promise. it will all be okay. and if that never happens… i hope i fade away peacefully. no lingering thoughts in your head. the kind that hit you at 4 pm on some idle tuesday and overwhelm you with regret. don’t do that. smile because you made me happy for a very long time. i couldn’t ask you for anything else, even if i wanted to. you’ve been better than anyone else.

i just don’t want to be a burden, or an afterthought, or a pain in your heart. i want to be your smile.

-me

you-

every time i try to rid myself of these sickening feelings, i think of the way you said “i’m yours.”

and i break down all over again.

-me

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you-

been sleeping more. and i know this overdone, i know it’s cliche, but i’ll tell you anyways.

in my dreams you’re real. in my dreams, we’re lying in bed. your bed. we’re driving. and i….somehow know we don’t have any money for gas, but we drive until we run out of gas. we break down on the side of the road and we kiss in the dust.

i see the lights filtering through the shades and i don’t know what’s real. i see you and it seems real. i open my eyes and you’re not there. so i’ll try to go back to sleep… you’ll be there, every time. and i’ll never have another nightmare.

like i said, i know this has been said and done a thousand times in every lonely love song. but it’s never been real for me. and i don’t know what else to do but keep trying to sleep. because it’s more real than even talking to you. i can almost feel your fingers clasped with mine. i can feel your body lying next to me. your thin form with the shadows cast on you, smiling at me, making me laugh. oh, when i laugh with you, it’s the most sincere one i’ve ever heard.

well, maybe in a year or two. maybe never. i hope one day you’ll step out of my dreams and fall into my arms. and on that day, i’ll never feel alone again.

-me